My dog is so cute that most people don't even see me on the street anymore, they just stare at her, entranced by her perfect furry adorableness, unless they are creepy dudes. Creepy dudes notice me and the dog and proceed to holler lewd comments at us (well me, but sometimes they include the dog)...what they don't notice is the small plastic bag in my left hand, dangling precariously cause I don't want my hand too close to the contents of it. YES CREEPY STREET HARASSER I AM CARRYING POOP, YOU STILL LIKE ME? A long time ago in a land far away called College I read a sociological study of street culture, it posited that women, babies and dogs were the lowest on the cultural totem pole of the street because any complete stranger could approach them, speak to them, get in their faces, hell, even pet them, and it was considered socially acceptable. I am one hundred percent guilty of this when it comes to babies and dogs. I am the street stalker of cuteness. However, as a woman the constant hollering of dudes on the streets is tiresome. I have fantasies of going up to greet them, smiling, and simply tossing the bag of fecal matter at them underhanded....or saying, "hey, yes I WOULD love it if you walked with me....but I need you to hold this bag of poop." And their sad little boners would shrivel up at the thought of dog doodoo. A great act of Boner Terrorism.
Boner Terrorism is anything you can do to psychologically kill someone's hard on. For example, telling my old landlord that I had a Bat Mitzvah. The objectification of women is not forbidden in his religion but the objectification of Jewish women is...his face fell knowing he could never again pop by my apt unannounced hoping to find my roomate or myself in states of undress. My inner dialogue was "You can't jerk off to me anymore! You can't jerk off to me anymore! Neeener Neener Neener! Shalom that!"
Boner terrorism can even occur by accident. Recently I attended a sex toy party hosted by my friend's mom. Sex toy parties are pretty much tupperware parties but with vibrators instead of plastic containers....but more on that later. I decided to be nice and buy a gift for a single (gay) male friend of mine. I got him a fake mouth. There is a more scientific name for it, but that's pretty much what it was. He has been enjoying it thoroughly and often...until the times he remembers that I bought it for him, then everything goes limp, this is an unintentional, though still amusing form of boner terrorism.
So go forth and terrorize
*Of course I'm not footnoting that sociological study, I read that thing almost a decade ago. I have no idea who wrote it, when, and whether or not I made it up...actually I know I didn't make it up because it was for my Sex, Gender, and Power course for which I got an A. So it has to be real.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Pinterest, Tumblr, Life Curators, and wisdom from a 23 year old.
As I try to write this Lucy (my adorable shiba inu) is poking me with her little paw, demanding that I stop typing and start petting...but anyway, I decided to ask my young and savvy coworker about Pinterest. It had been described to me a few different ways such as "Online Scrapbook" and "Digital Bulletin Board" my understanding of bulletin boards is dogwalkers posting at the gym, and high school Spanish projects and I have no understanding of scrapbooks since I am from the cold Northeast and our culture is decidedly not crafty or cutesy I turned to Madison.
Madison is a 23 year old 6'2 stunning Viking, Utah Born, Mormon, former model, current writer/cocktail waitress at my job. She is one of the smartest people I've ever met in this industry. She interned for Teen Vogue, and her sister is a supermodel so she has a unique insider's understanding of trends in "youth culture" so to speak. Madison explained Pinterest as an online scrapbook, but instead of pictures of your friends and family decorated with flowers and cute borders it's pictures of things you like or find inspiring. I asked "what do they inspire?" it seems the answer is mostly outfits and weddings. I see it more like a teenager's wall of posters and magazine cut outs rather than what I picture a scrapbook to look like. As an adolescent I had posters of Audrey Hepburn and James Dean on my walls in part because I liked them, and also to demonstrate to anyone who saw them who I was or rather how I wanted to be perceived...I was more sophisticated and urbane than my peers with Britney Spears posters, goddamnit! I was artistic, I wore vintage clothes!! I didn't belong in suburbia! Pinterest, and what Madison told me is it's cooler cousin Tumblr, serve this purpose on a larger scale. Instead of telling your peers who you are by decorating your locker or dorm room, you can tell the entire internet by tumbling and pinning pictures of Kate Moss. An old roomate had a Tumblr with over a 1,000 followers. As far I could tell she just posted pictures of models in the Free People catalog. There was no original art, photography, text...she generated no content whatsoever, it was just photos of things she liked. Mainly young, white, blonde models in pseudo bohemian attire.
Apparently this is viewed as "curating" your own image or life. Curator used to be word that carried weight, someone who oversaw a museum or a library, had a level of expertise in their field...held at least one graduate degree. Now a DJ is a "music curator" a club promoter is a "nightlife curator" and anyone with a tumblr is a "life curator." Numerous news outlets have documented the overuse and bastardization of this word, yet it still marches on, further and further away from it's intended meaning.
*Madison doesn't like pinterest, she prefers tumblr. Her instagram is @themjs if you want to see #ootd's. She told me that means "outfit of the day." I would be lost in this modern world without her guidance.
Madison is a 23 year old 6'2 stunning Viking, Utah Born, Mormon, former model, current writer/cocktail waitress at my job. She is one of the smartest people I've ever met in this industry. She interned for Teen Vogue, and her sister is a supermodel so she has a unique insider's understanding of trends in "youth culture" so to speak. Madison explained Pinterest as an online scrapbook, but instead of pictures of your friends and family decorated with flowers and cute borders it's pictures of things you like or find inspiring. I asked "what do they inspire?" it seems the answer is mostly outfits and weddings. I see it more like a teenager's wall of posters and magazine cut outs rather than what I picture a scrapbook to look like. As an adolescent I had posters of Audrey Hepburn and James Dean on my walls in part because I liked them, and also to demonstrate to anyone who saw them who I was or rather how I wanted to be perceived...I was more sophisticated and urbane than my peers with Britney Spears posters, goddamnit! I was artistic, I wore vintage clothes!! I didn't belong in suburbia! Pinterest, and what Madison told me is it's cooler cousin Tumblr, serve this purpose on a larger scale. Instead of telling your peers who you are by decorating your locker or dorm room, you can tell the entire internet by tumbling and pinning pictures of Kate Moss. An old roomate had a Tumblr with over a 1,000 followers. As far I could tell she just posted pictures of models in the Free People catalog. There was no original art, photography, text...she generated no content whatsoever, it was just photos of things she liked. Mainly young, white, blonde models in pseudo bohemian attire.
Apparently this is viewed as "curating" your own image or life. Curator used to be word that carried weight, someone who oversaw a museum or a library, had a level of expertise in their field...held at least one graduate degree. Now a DJ is a "music curator" a club promoter is a "nightlife curator" and anyone with a tumblr is a "life curator." Numerous news outlets have documented the overuse and bastardization of this word, yet it still marches on, further and further away from it's intended meaning.
*Madison doesn't like pinterest, she prefers tumblr. Her instagram is @themjs if you want to see #ootd's. She told me that means "outfit of the day." I would be lost in this modern world without her guidance.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Why fictional characters' sex lives are way more interesting than your friends and colleagues.
Most of the time I really don't care who my friends are sleeping with: whether or not they have committed, how well endowed they are, what band he's in, and whether sleeping with your pot dealer has compromised the business aspect of the relationship. None of this is as interesting to me as who Juliette Barnes is bedding on Nashville. She keeps it way more entertaining, she devirginizes Christian Quarterbacks and bangs her mom's sober companion. Who did you pick up at the dog run this week? No one that scandalous.
Furthermore people on TV are funnier and better looking (Lena Dunham being the notable exception), I work in the downtown "fashiony" service industry in Manhattan. My colleagues are pretty much required to be really good looking, and most of them are also quite bitter, which makes for comedy gold. However, are they as good looking and funny as Olivia Munn on the Newsroom? That is damn near impossible.
Lastly, if someone you care about in real life, rather than a passive emotional investment for one hour every week, and that person is boning someone that you dislike or don't approve of YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. You have to be supportive, even if you hate this particular one of their sex partners with every fiber of your being, and have a theory that they might be homeless. You have to hide your delight when the loser finally gets deported (true story). However, you can scream DON'T DO IT IVY, DEREK IS ONLY USING YOU at the television while watching Smash and Ivy won't later resent you for it.
*This does not apply to that one special friend who has been sport fucking 20 year olds off of Tindr. Your sex life fascinates me. Keep up the good work.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Who are Lena and Cat?
No, they are not household pets with weight problems, El. While pets struggling with their weight can be a difficult and ultimately cathartic experience of pain and redemption (Lucy is finally "runway ready") that is not what I'm referencing.
First Lena Dunham:
Lena is the creator, director, writer and star of the HBO show Girls and the film Tiny Furniture. She is 26 and from New York, she attended St. Ann's School and her parents are famous artists. She is definitively of the 1%. People really hate her for a number of reasons. Her show has little to no diversity, the only black character was token pandering in the first couple episodes of season 2 and he quickly disappeared. She's perceived as a product of elitist nepotism; the entire cast of her show are daughters of celebrities. The Brooklynites she claims to represent feel she is doing them a disservice. Case in point, in my post collegiate struggles, I for one, would never consider stealing tip money that my parents had left for a hotel maid, as Lena's character did in the first episode. Her character is selfish, entitled, whiny, with little to no integrity or work ethnic. She is also smart and somewhat self aware. Lastly, she's overweight, and she has the audacity to get naked on television while being outside the Hollywood norm. In short, people hate Lena Dunham because she is the fat ignorant daughter of privilege, or because she is a wildly successful intelligent young woman. She's a very divisive subject. I personally have seen every episode of Girls, I'm sometimes amused by it, but it also annoys the hell out of me. I kind of want to tell Lena to get over herself and get a waitressing job and learn something about the people she claims to speak for...but sadly, she's not attractive enough to waitress in New York.
Now Cat Marnell:
Cat was the beauty editor and XOJane, a columnist for Vice and a self proclaimed drug addict/nymphomaniac/trust fund baby. She is very thin, pretty and blonde, always in full make up, hangs out at "exclusive" clubs like Le Bain and Le Baron where she does lots of blow in the bathroom and then goes home and writes about it. She recently got a 500,000 dollar book deal. Some people think that this is very terrible, that her publishers are exploiting her addiction, that she's gonna put her book advance up her nose bla bla bla. Her writing is honest, raw and pretty funny. That being said I bartend at "hip" places where I see scenester cokehead girls like her all the time. They are really fucking annoying and obnoxious. Every time that one of them has made me wait to pee while they are blowing rails/getting railed in the bathroom I fantasize about setting their very expensive blonde extensions on fire and dancing gleefully in the ashes. Some people really like Cat Marnell, but a lot of people REALLY hate her.
Both of these women are scrutinized for their weight, either being "disgustingly fat" or "frighteningly thin" (I believe Miss Marnell would take that one as a compliment). Thus "thinner than Lena, fatter than Cat" was born.
Also if you steal tip money from a hotel maid you deserve to get Herpes.
First Lena Dunham:
Lena is the creator, director, writer and star of the HBO show Girls and the film Tiny Furniture. She is 26 and from New York, she attended St. Ann's School and her parents are famous artists. She is definitively of the 1%. People really hate her for a number of reasons. Her show has little to no diversity, the only black character was token pandering in the first couple episodes of season 2 and he quickly disappeared. She's perceived as a product of elitist nepotism; the entire cast of her show are daughters of celebrities. The Brooklynites she claims to represent feel she is doing them a disservice. Case in point, in my post collegiate struggles, I for one, would never consider stealing tip money that my parents had left for a hotel maid, as Lena's character did in the first episode. Her character is selfish, entitled, whiny, with little to no integrity or work ethnic. She is also smart and somewhat self aware. Lastly, she's overweight, and she has the audacity to get naked on television while being outside the Hollywood norm. In short, people hate Lena Dunham because she is the fat ignorant daughter of privilege, or because she is a wildly successful intelligent young woman. She's a very divisive subject. I personally have seen every episode of Girls, I'm sometimes amused by it, but it also annoys the hell out of me. I kind of want to tell Lena to get over herself and get a waitressing job and learn something about the people she claims to speak for...but sadly, she's not attractive enough to waitress in New York.
Now Cat Marnell:
Cat was the beauty editor and XOJane, a columnist for Vice and a self proclaimed drug addict/nymphomaniac/trust fund baby. She is very thin, pretty and blonde, always in full make up, hangs out at "exclusive" clubs like Le Bain and Le Baron where she does lots of blow in the bathroom and then goes home and writes about it. She recently got a 500,000 dollar book deal. Some people think that this is very terrible, that her publishers are exploiting her addiction, that she's gonna put her book advance up her nose bla bla bla. Her writing is honest, raw and pretty funny. That being said I bartend at "hip" places where I see scenester cokehead girls like her all the time. They are really fucking annoying and obnoxious. Every time that one of them has made me wait to pee while they are blowing rails/getting railed in the bathroom I fantasize about setting their very expensive blonde extensions on fire and dancing gleefully in the ashes. Some people really like Cat Marnell, but a lot of people REALLY hate her.
Both of these women are scrutinized for their weight, either being "disgustingly fat" or "frighteningly thin" (I believe Miss Marnell would take that one as a compliment). Thus "thinner than Lena, fatter than Cat" was born.
Also if you steal tip money from a hotel maid you deserve to get Herpes.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Jobs that I'm not sure are real jobs but I wouldn't mind doing instead of bartending:
1. Social media director: so you get paid to post on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter? Isn't that what people in offices do to avoid doing their real work? Sign me up! I have opinions and take pictures of my dog and brunch.
2. Fashion consultant: Telling people what to wear. So you get to pick out clothes for your very own human barbie and be bossy? AND YOU GET PAID??? If a cheese plate and wine are involved this sounds like a dream.
3. Fashion blogger: posting daily pictures of your outfits. Today it is black sweatpants, and an ex's blue v neck t shirt accessorized with an all over dusting of dog hair, shiba inu to be specific.
4. Ipod DJ: plug in, play Thrift Shop, where are my drink tickets????
5. "It girl": see numbers 3 and 4, then make duckfaces on Patrick McMullan
An It Girl/DJ/Fashion Blogger (who was very sweet and lovely) was djing at my old job when she came up to the bar sat down dejected, sighed and said to me. "GOD, my parents just don't understand what I do!"
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO! WHY DO YOU HAVE A MANAGER?? WHAT DOES SHE MANAGE?! HOW ARE YOU NOT HOMELESS?
She also said "maje" a lot, which I found out is short for major and means generally "good."
Signs that you are aging out of post adolescence into middle age.
1. Having to look up youthful slang and cultural references on the internets.
Recently I've been hearing (or reading on internet memes, twitter and text messages) words, references and phrases that I have no understanding of. They might as well be in Japanese. But revealing my ignorance of phrases such as "trill" and "ratchet" would give away the truth; that I am pushing thirty, I don't read Pitchfork and I prefer Gilmore Girls to Mad Men. While being hip and cool doesn't seem appealing to me (thus the not reading Pitchfork) I HATE NOT GETTING THE JOKE. If everyone is laughing at something I want to laugh at it too, Goddamnit! Look at Grumpy Cat's dumb face! His name is Tardar Sauce, but Tard for short...like a reTARD! But anyway, I digress...here are the things I have googled recently
"Ratchet" after receiving a text re: my best friend's loser ex and his new lady friend "That bitch is so ratchet." Apparently it means trashy, ugly, in poor taste, ghetto, dirty. Use it in a sentence. "Lil Kim is looking Ratchet." Does referencing Lil Kim show my age and lack of cultural relevance?
"Thrift Shop" I figured it would be a metaphor in a rap song for some sort of drug thing. It is actually a song about shopping at thrift shops, and Macklemore is white.
"Popping Molly Now I'm Sweating" It is a song by Trinidad James, who it seems is a rapper. Apparently MDMA has crossed over from the electronic music underground into mainstream hiphop...but Molly was supposed to be ecstasy in it's purest form and now that it has become so ubiquitous it is bound to be more cut or cracky...making it DING DING DING ECSTASY!!! Welcome back to 1998 kids.
"Trill": true+real=trill, and those two words are basically synonymous. So now you can be redundant and abbreviated with your words. Oh goody.
A Glamour model: British term for a centerfold model. Makes it seem so much more refined. How British.
I would like to thank google and Urban Dictionary for all their help in this matter.
Recently I've been hearing (or reading on internet memes, twitter and text messages) words, references and phrases that I have no understanding of. They might as well be in Japanese. But revealing my ignorance of phrases such as "trill" and "ratchet" would give away the truth; that I am pushing thirty, I don't read Pitchfork and I prefer Gilmore Girls to Mad Men. While being hip and cool doesn't seem appealing to me (thus the not reading Pitchfork) I HATE NOT GETTING THE JOKE. If everyone is laughing at something I want to laugh at it too, Goddamnit! Look at Grumpy Cat's dumb face! His name is Tardar Sauce, but Tard for short...like a reTARD! But anyway, I digress...here are the things I have googled recently
"Ratchet" after receiving a text re: my best friend's loser ex and his new lady friend "That bitch is so ratchet." Apparently it means trashy, ugly, in poor taste, ghetto, dirty. Use it in a sentence. "Lil Kim is looking Ratchet." Does referencing Lil Kim show my age and lack of cultural relevance?
"Thrift Shop" I figured it would be a metaphor in a rap song for some sort of drug thing. It is actually a song about shopping at thrift shops, and Macklemore is white.
"Popping Molly Now I'm Sweating" It is a song by Trinidad James, who it seems is a rapper. Apparently MDMA has crossed over from the electronic music underground into mainstream hiphop...but Molly was supposed to be ecstasy in it's purest form and now that it has become so ubiquitous it is bound to be more cut or cracky...making it DING DING DING ECSTASY!!! Welcome back to 1998 kids.
"Trill": true+real=trill, and those two words are basically synonymous. So now you can be redundant and abbreviated with your words. Oh goody.
A Glamour model: British term for a centerfold model. Makes it seem so much more refined. How British.
I would like to thank google and Urban Dictionary for all their help in this matter.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)